These La Croix flavors are worth injecting
How could a beverage brand that sounds like the name of a person you would hire to get you safe passage across a river in Cambodia have had the kind of meteoric rise that sends fear into the two biggest global leaders in the space?
Focus on a good product + Flavors.
The flavor masters at La Croix, the sparkling water brand that basically solved the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, have PhDs in taking fruits who are perfect strangers, and mashing their individual Appleton and Bartokomous essences into unforgettable mouth fiestas.
Here are some flavors rumored to be joining the party soon — AND WHICH MY DUANE READE WILL ALMOST SURELY BE OUT OF ALL THE TIME…
GUAVA PAPAYA
Everything you love but can’t really describe about the taste of guava, gentled folded and kneaded into everything you love but can’t really describe about the taste papaya. With this flavor, La Croix creates the je ne sais quoi of beverages
GINGER OLEANDER
A quarter spicy and peppery, a quarter lemony, a quarter sweet rose perfume and a quarter bubble gum - this pungent beverage has tons of unproven health benefits
KEY LIME
America’s most underrated roadside pie, just became America’s most celebrated carbonated beverage!
STRAWBERRY GASOLINE
Research shows that people unanimously love the smell of 2 things; strawberries, and gasoline…so that’s what you get here…high octane unanimous happiness. Sorry Kiwi, Strawberry’s got a new BFF!
COOL RANCH
A secret mix of over 34 seasonings and spices make this flavor taste like someone just delivered 12oz of heaven directly into your mouth.
FREE CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST
Rehydrated scrambled eggs, hours-old coffee, prepackaged croissants and a lukewarm fruit salad comprised mostly of cantaloupe, honey dew and 4 sad grapes. La Croix has essentially carbonated a Red Roof Inn…and it’s fantastic
EVERYTHING BAGEL WITH CREAM CHEESE & LOX
Imagine drinking soft, warm, moist, dough, surrounded by a crispy oven-baked and New York-water boiled crust that’s been sprinkled with toasted sesame seeds, poppy seeds, minced onion, minced garlic and coarse pretzel salt —then topped with a schmear of cream cheese and a heeping pile of thinly sliced, cold-smoked Nova Scotia salmon. Now stop imagining…you’re drooling all over yourself. This is Yom Kippur break fast in a can.
PINE NUT HUMMUS
Remember when I said La Croix solved the Israeli-Palestinian Conflict? Did you think I was being hyperbolic? This is how they did it bro! This was the first thing the two sides agreed on, ever. Then came peace and then Occupied-Territories-Disney (opening Spring 2025).
BARBICIDE
How many collective hours of your life have you spent sitting in a chair, getting your hair cut, staring at those used, floating black combs in the blue liquid next to the mirror…wondering to yourself how great they must taste? Well — wonder no more!
BIG MAC
It’s a good time for the great taste of two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun…infused into thousands upon thousands of tiny little bubbles…
PHILADELPHIA ROLL
Who said the world’s greatest sushi roll was off-limits as a seltzer? Oh that’s right…no one.
PURE HATE
Let’s be clear, that b*tch took everything from you…and your boss? He’s gonna rue the day he awarded Roy that promotion over you. And let’s not get started on the traffic cop…you were in that bus lane for less than 30-seconds and were trying to merge out of it!
You might not ever act on your violent thoughts, but La Croix Pure Hate tastes like the blood of your enemies — which, as always, is exactly what you’re thirsty for.
PAMPLEMOUSSE (grapefruit)
Yeah…I know it’s a real flavor…probably the best of all the flavors that already exist…but since my Duane Reade refuses to keep the stuff in stock, I’m listing it here.
